That concludes my 3 week stay in hospital. I had so many mixed emotions when I left. I really missed all the staff when I left as it became a safe place for me. And leaving was a whole new experience I didn’t feel ready for. They were all so nice in there. After everything I experienced so far through this accident and in hospital, I don’t regret going through any of it. How weird is that? I am actually grateful to have gone through it all, as I have seen what the human body can really do when it needs to, what I as a person am capable of, and of course the power of the mind. It has been a massive learning and growing experience which Im sure will equip me with lifelong skills. The fight was not over yet and I had a long way to go. Now that I was home, I was starting to set my sights on various goals. Small goals of course. One of the Physio’s asked me how long until I think Ill be lifting again. I said, “I’ll be snatching in 3 months”. Now that Ive said it out loud I have made myself accountable. It seems unachievable right now because I can hardly walk, let alone pick up a barbell, but Im going to push myself to hit that goal. Last week I had a zimmer frame to hold me up when I walked but anything is possible, and you never know how far you will get if you don’t try and push the boundaries. Is it going to hurt? Fk yeah it is. But nothing worth having ever came easy, and nothing ever changed from being comfortable. What if everything you have gone through, is to prepare you for something bigger? What if these are just tests to see how bad you want it? All I wanted right then was to be able to move how I used to and have my energy back.
Here are some diary excerpts from that week:
I am going home today. Little bit nervous, but excited at the same time. Over the past 24hrs I have warmed to the idea of going home, and much of the fear has gone. It will be a new challenge, but I feel ready to tackle it. I am going home with a big old bag of drugs, and a schedule for when to take them all. Not sure how Im going to navigate this. I can’t remember anything right now and thinking seems to be very difficult.
The day at home has been hectic. Very full on. Thea has kept me so active. I guess that’s good for my recovery but finding the energy and trying to get comfortable while doing this is proving to be rather difficult. We sat outside and rolled the ball to each other. It was great to be able to do that. Very overwhelming at the same time though. As predicted, I found it difficult to work out my medicine with everything going on. Sometimes it all gets too much for me. I had a lovely message from my mother in-law which brought me to tears. I am finding it hard to accept the kind words and help offered by my family and friends. It makes me question who I am. Do I deserve this kindness? My workmates have banded together to raise some funds to help me through, and two groups of friends have also done the same. I am blown away that I have people in my life organising things and looking after us. Ive always tried to be self-reliant, and now so many friends are offering to help us out its hard to accept.
Thursday 9/11/17
I woke a few times last night. Not too dissimilar from hospital, except I was cold from sweat. I do not feel very comfortable right now but Im hoping once the pain meds kick in that will change. Waking up in the morning I am so stiff. Nothing wants to bend. I wonder how long this will last for?
I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I am not used to sitting around doing nothing. My brain is overloaded with trying to comprehend what to do all day. Ali is off to the gym soon. Once she’s gone Im getting into the garage gym and Im moving. I need to start my journey to getting my life back on track so I can feel like I am achieving something. I know I am recovering from a serious accident, but I feel like a complete waste of space. Atleast training makes me feel like I have achieved something.
So hard to feel motivated to do certain movements when everything hurts. Where do I even begin?!
My plan is foundation movements like bodyweight, core strength, then eventually getting back to the barbell. Im not going to plan a whole lot more than that right now. Ill just take each session as it comes and keep advancing to the next movement when I can. Improving my joint range is top of the priority list. I need to keep fighting against burnt skin that’s continually tightening.
Here is a before and after shot, of a good achievement for me using some of my knowledge on mobility and stretching, trying to get myself below parallel for a squat: 13/11/17
Im happy with this achievement. Although its something I will need to do everyday to keep fighting this tight skin.
My first month at home was a whole new experience. I was so uncomfortable all of the time. The itch from the burns was starting to drive me insane. And the lack of sleep and nightmares were not helping either. Thea came in one night, she must have woke up and needed to be tucked back in. She came to my side of the bed to wake me, and I sat up in a panic yelling. I was scared, but then I looked at her and she was scared and crying. I hate how this is all effecting her aswell. The grafts on my left leg and groin were starting to get really tight and thick from all the collagen trying to repair the body. I was finding it hard to get comfortable in standing or sitting positions. I couldn't stand for that long anyway as my feet and burnt ankles would start throbbing. I struggle with sitting still at the best of times and I cant get used to doing nothing. Ali was painting Theas new bedroom, and I hopped myself in there and started to paint. "What are you doing" she said. "I need to do something Im going fucking insane!" She told me to go back to the couch but I wasn't going to lay there and let her paint the room by herself, I don't care how much pain I'm in. Well I lasted about 20 mins before I was that sore I had to go take an oxy and lay down. Its difficult to accept when just 4 weeks ago I was running two businesses and working full time in construction.
By week 6 not much had improved. Looking back I realise that's normal for such a large injury, especially burns. But when you are locked in that time, the present, and see no progress it feels like you will never get better. The future seems so far away. The night time routine was one of my daily tasks that took forever. Of course by then I was shattered and just wanted to try and get some sleep, but the process of taking off compression, to put moisturisers on, changing bandages and putting the compression back on took 30-40 minutes. Moisturiser was needed 3-4 times a day to help keep the skin hydrated and the itch away. I remember one night as I was about to start my routine, Ali was just climbing into bed, and turned to say "oh my god how good to fresh bed sheets feel on your skin?!" I stared blankly at her, "I dont know Ali, how do they feel?" Its a good job we dont take things too seriously in our house. A perfectly timed harmless comment, which was right now in fact, ill timed.
I was working so hard to recover and get some improvement to my movement. I feel like I barely had time to relax in the beginning, as I was constantly trying to move and stretch out my tight skin, and it zapped so much energy from me. But I knew the more energy I demanded from my body, the more it would slowly give me back. I couldn't sit around knowing the skin was going to stay tight, and get tighter if I wasn't doing something about it. The day after I got home Ali went to the gym and took Thea with her. I Stood at the door waving as the garage door went down, and as soon as it was down I was in there attempting to do push ups, lunges, and whatever else I could do to feel like I was working out. I want my movement back now and the only person that's going to get it for me is, ME. That's the thing about recovery. It doesn't just happen, you need to make it happen. Nothing in this world comes for free, and nothing worth having ever came easy. So get off your arse and go get it.
Would you believe at the 6 week mark one of the doctors said they were going to send me back to work in January!?!?
I kid you not. The OT came in and was talking about burns recovery. He mentioned the burns will look and feel their worst at the 3 months mark. Then they plateau for 6 -12 months before starting to improve over the next 12 months(something like that). When he left the doctor came in. She was the only one there I didn't really like. And it was all because of this encounter. Doc: "So John How do you feel about work, when do you think you should go back?"
Me:(stunned) "Well I dont think I should have to go back until Ive had the time to get my body back, 100% where it was before I got blown up" Doc: "Thats interesting, Ill let you know what we're thinking" Me: "Go on"
Doc: "We will probably look to send you back in January" Is this b$%# for real? She wants to send me back to where I nearly died, at the 3 month mark, when the scars will feel and look their worst?!?!? That aint happening lady. Who's paying you?! That's what I want to know? Who got to her, and offered her cash if she got me back on site so early? My distrust for people was now heightened and now Im starting to question everyone's motives. Just because your paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you!
This was the beginning of the real anxiety, the panic attacks, and eventually the depression. The pressure she put me under was the catalyst for all of it.
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