That first dress down was a very overwhelming day, both physically and mentally. That evening I asked for some extra medication to help me sleep. I couldn’t handle another sleepless night. I had been having vivid dreams and visions whenever I closed my eyes. It was starting to become difficult separating dreams from reality. Closing my eyes was like turning on a TV. Some of my dreams felt more real than when I was awake, and most of them left me exhausted. I remember a few of them. In one I was walking through an old stone village from the Celtic ages. Rain was lightly pouring, and I could feel it, and hear it. I could even smell the surrounding forest. I was walking around the village, but no one was there. I just walked around aimlessly in the rain trying to find everyone. In other dreams I was repeating meaningless tasks to no end. I would pick up a piece of rubbish and put it in a bin, then turn around only to find another piece of rubbish. Again, I would put it in a bin. This would repeat over and over again for about 10-15 minutes before I opened my eyes exhausted from all the work I was doing in my mind. Another was very similar to that, except it involved me trying to get comfortable in multiple beds. Constantly changing beds unable to get comfortable. Sometimes after waking from these delusions I would not know where I was, and a bit of panic would start until I saw something familiar in the room that reminded me of where I was. This truly was exhausting, and I could not escape it. It was all about to amount to the great escape as the ketamine began to put me into a state of psychosis.
Sometime that evening, my brother called to see how I was. Not long into our conversation a nurse came in so I told my brother I would call him back. I needed to suss out this nurse and see if I could get some answers out of her. Why? I was convinced at this stage I was in a government testing facility. Similar to the movie Jason Bourne. I had escaped once before but in a wild car chase I crashed, and this is why I was back here all bandaged up. So me sussing out the nurse to see if she was a real nurse, or a paid actor by the agency that had captured me, went a little like this:
ME: this is the burns ward yeah?
Nurse: yeah it is.
Me: What else do they do here?
Nurse: Do you mean like, on this floor?
Me: You know what I mean.
Nurse: Um, no its mainly just burns.
Me: Yeah, ok.
It was apparent I wasn’t going to get answers out of her. She’s loyal to the cause. I was going to have to find out myself.
I had fallen asleep into one of my vivid dreams again. This time the dream took place in the hospital. I had gotten out of bed to find evidence of my suspicions. (Keep in mind that in real life I could barely move, and definitely could not go walking anywhere). Jackpot! I found a room where they had blood and were doing tests with vampires. I needed to get back to my room quickly before I got caught.
I had woken from this dream in a panic, as I thought it was real. I started to have a massive panic attack and decided there was no way they were going to keep me here. I feared for my life. I need to get out of here asap. I looked down and saw a multitude of tubes and wires attached to me. I frantically started to pull them all off. I need to get out of here before they realise I'm awake.
Adrenaline and ketamine took over my brain. The next thing I remember, I was leaning on the desk at the nurse’s station as I was struggling to walk. Blood was streaming from my left eyebrow. I was about 20m from my room and suddenly nurses were running down the hallway towards me. I started to try and pull the bandages off my legs. I thought they had done something to my legs to prevent me leaving. Man, I’ve tripped balls before but this takes the cake for being completely off the planet. There was this one time in Prague, where, actually, that's a different story for another time.
When the nurses got to me, I was compliant because I was so sore and scared, and where was I going to go anyway? The adrenaline was gone and now it was just me and the pain again. They took me back to my room to assess the damage. I must have fallen out of the bed and banged my head on the floor, splitting my eyebrow open. Surprisingly that was really the only damage done. All the wires and tubes now had to go back in. But first the had to remove what was left of my catheter. It was still hanging out of my knob but looked like it had been chewed off about 700mm down. I’m not sure if you have ever tried to pull a catheter out before, but it doesn’t quiet work like that. And seeing as how I had no sharp objects around me, the next best option was to chew the rubber tube. Hey, when its fight or flight and you want to escape, I’m sure you would do the same. That was the hardest thing to put back in. Because my genitals were badly burnt, mini me was pretty much in full time hibernation. It was impossible to pull my burnt foreskin back far enough to see where to put the new catheter. I reckon we tried for a good 20 -30 mins before finally getting it back in. Good times.
The escapade was over, but the panic wasn’t. I didn’t trust anyone. To make things worse every time I fell asleep, I would dream of a new reason as to why I was in hospital. Not to mention the increase in pain and anxiety because of my little adventure. I was pretty angry in the morning. I could have ripped my grafts and I would need to go into surgery again, but I wont find out until my next dress down. Today I did not want to see anyone. I told my family not to visit me, I’m so overwhelmed right now, and I just want to rest alone. This was one of my darkest points for sure. These drugs are wreaking havoc on my mind.
The decision was made to take me off the Ketamine. Good decision I reckon. My mum stayed with me the following night. Not standard protocol, but no one could confirm I wouldn’t get out of bed again for more exploring. Mum said the nurse was going to try convince me, that it wasn't a good idea for mum to stay, so make sure I tell the nurse I want her there. When the nurse came in to ask me, I was so confused. I looked at mum, I looked at the nurse, back to mum, back to the nurse, fkn say something you twat! "Uh, yeah I want my mum to stay". The struggle to get this brain working is real.
My bed was swapped for one that lowers to the ground and had a crash matt either side so if I tried to get out alarms would go off. I’m glad mum stayed. I needed her there. I continued to have funky nightmares and at one point I sat up and put my legs to the side of the bed. Mum asked what I was doing, to which I responded, I need to go for a walk. “no, you don’t, get back in bed” That could have been adventure number 2! She sat there all night by my side, watching, never sleeping. I fkn love you mum.
What a week of ups and downs. I don’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Sunday, I had my daughter visit me for the first time. Amongst all the madness I felt I was ready. I needed some happiness. Here is an excerpt from my diary:
“…I love her so much. I am so glad I have been given this second chance at life. That’s what it feels like. She was the first thing I thought of when I got electrocuted. My daughter and wife were almost left with no father, no husband. This makes me so angry. Angry because this could have easily been avoided. In this day and age, a site should be safe, or there should be adequate warning of hazards, seeing as how that's actually the law...”.
It was so good to see my daughter. She sat beside me and held my hand. Her touch was like an angel. We sat and watched abc kids together. Its something she still reminds me of. I was very emotional when Ali and Thea left. All these new experiences were tough but most of the time I felt like I was doing well. Taking it day by day and tackling various tasks as they came. Before long I was in a routine. Breakfast, dress-down and shower, visit from the doctors, some physio, a sleep, more physio, dinner, visitors, watch a movie then bed. Routines make me happy and keep me focussed.
Comments