Its important to note that this blog is a way for me finally show people what I went through. It isn't designed to point fingers or blame people for what happened. That, was never really on my mind throughout this whole experience. Although I do hope this blog crosses the path of the management team, and maybe it will show them exactly what happens when you cut corners. Maybe this story might impact their decisions in the future, and prevent someone else from being seriously injured, or maybe the many people I know in the industry will read this, and take something away which will encourage them to be safer on site.
The construction company I was working for were good to me, and actually helped us financially immediately after the accident. I hold no animosity towards them, site management included. Holding onto things like that can consume you and eat you alive. It uses far too much of your energy. Energy you could be using to better yourself. Yes I was angry, but I was going to use that anger to drive me forward and get my life back. What's done is done and you need to decide whether you are going to let it define you, or grow from it and make it your bitch. All I wanted was to be able to move how I used to move. I set a plan to not let it beat me. I basically hid at home for a year working on getting my strength, mobility, and energy back, in the safety of my garage gym. Whenever I bumped into someone when I left the house, I would often get comments like, "hey didn't you get electrocuted?", or "were you in an accident or something?" This is why I want people to know, they have no idea what I went through. I felt trapped and unable to talk about it at the time for legal reasons, and writing it down knowing that one day I could tell people, felt like a good release.
Now that you have read about the hospital experience you will have some good context behind these diary entries from my last week in hospital.
Tuesday 30/10/17
Big day today. A shower, Full dressing change, and physio work. Dressing changes are so painful, although having a shower beforehand feels so nice. My room has an ensuite with a shower and toilet, but what an effort just getting to it. I dread having to go to the toilet. I need to get my business done as quick as possible so I can lay back down in the bed. A nurse comes in with a chair, which I get onto once I’m off the bed. I am then wheeled to the toilet. The area where they took the grafts from is almost more painful than my burns. The thumping of blood or pressure in my feet as I am in any position but laying down is immense, even more so when Im sitting on the toilet. My heart is pounding from the pain. I tried to sit in a chair while my bed was getting made but my nuts are literally the size of a rock melon and the arms on the chair are not letting me spread my legs far enough to avoid squashing them. What the fk has life become?! Someone get me out of this damn chair!
Once my dressing changes and physio are over, I need some time to sleep. Its all over before 11:30 but I am completely exhausted. It takes so much energy from me even though I am doing the simplest of movements. To be honest its good to be moving at all, so I am grateful. We do some bodyweight squats, although these are more like quarter squats. Sitting on a fitball and doing dumbbell press with 3kg weights. Where the fk has my balance gone!? I expect the strength to be gone, but even the amount of strength that is gone, is a big shock. I am so thirsty. All I want to do is drink a whole bottle of water, but Im not aloud. Im given small cups of water to sip, or ice to suck so I dont flush out all the good stuff. Such simple tasks are now so hard. I have mixed emotions today, like most days really. I feel down because everything is so sore and moving is so hard. I don’t ever really feel good to be honest. Just a little bit less shit.
Wednesday 1/11/17
I can’t believe its November. Christmas is next month! It is my favourite time of year. I love the festivities, the food, the family time, and just the overall warm glow of the Christmas spirit. For now though I can’t think of much else but getting through another day. Ali and Thea will be visiting me today. What I would not give to be able to hug my daughter right now. I can’t wait for that day.
Physio this morning. Always so tough, always so exhausting just trying to walk. My ankles and behind my knees are where I am struggling with the pain right now. Anywhere the burns crossed a joint really. But specifically, my right ankle and knee. Flexion and extension of these two joints is agony, range of movement is terrible. I know this will get better, and I know these physios know it to. I must trust the process and keep pushing through. I’ve been in pain from workouts before. This is vastly different, but I am putting my mind into that same arena and just doing what my coaches tell me to do. I have a yearning to beat this.
Do you know what’s really hard to do when you are burnt from top to bottom? Have a shit when you cant get out of bed! Bed pans these days are made from cardboard. Well no one told me that. I always think of bed pans as being made from metal. You know, so you don’t squash it when you sit on it. My first number 2 after my surgery was rather interesting. The nurse passed me this cardboard bed pan, I managed to use my better leg, and my head, to extend into a reverse plank if you will, and place the pan under my butt. I cant hold this position so I lowered my butt to the pan and completely squashed it. Well that’s fkd. How am I meant to do this?! Time to use those core strength skills Ive been working on for years. So, round two, a new bedpan. This is going to have to be quick. Ever done a shit while balancing on one foot and your head while laying horizontally? Its not an easy task I tell you that. But I managed to get it done. What a relief. I always tried to wipe myself clean while in hospital, as opposed to having a nurse do it for me. I am completely exposed most days with dressing changes etc, but this is one thing I will not degrade to. This is one part of my dignity that will remain intact.
Emma (my sister) Ali and Thea arrived when I was sleeping. When I opened my eyes, I saw Thea. What a wonderful sight to wake up to. This girl melts my heart every day. She can eradicate pain by the joy she brings with a single smile, or hearing her little voice say, Hi Daddy.
After the visit Ali gave me a hug. It was so nice. To feel Ali hold me, was emotional. As she wiped a tear from my cheek, the touch of her hand was that of an angel. The softness of human touch is so powerful when comfort has been stripped from you. Today has been an emotional day for me. Another big day ahead tomorrow with dressing changes and a shower. I also get my catheter out at midnight thank fk! Not sure how my burnt sausage will go with that. But atleast this time I won’t have to chew it off…
Thursday 2/11/17
Holy fk Im sore. Currently waiting for pain meds to kick in. I can’t wait for my shower today. Even though they are sore, they feel good at the same time. Everything is sore, that’s just the new normal.
I feel a bit down today. I saw pictures of me and my friends enjoying life before this. Its made me appreciate how much I loved the life I was building with my family and friends. An active lifestyle full of adventures and good times. Fitness is a huge part of my life. Im going to work so hard to try and get back to that. No better motivator than getting blown the fk up. I hope I can continue to do some of the things I enjoy but it seems so unachievable at the moment. I can’t wait to see Ali today.
I just got my feeding tube removed! This has definitely raised my spirits and with that I feel slightly normal again. I just need my legs to start feeling better. I am feeling very tired today. My body is using a lot of energy trying to repair, and Im sure all the pain meds are adding to the fatigue.
Mum, Ali, and Benny came to visit today.
I love when mum stays until Im going to sleep. She tucks me in and makes me feel so comfortable. Ive learned a lot from my mum. She has always been there to guide me emotionally. I have learned to be comfortable talking about my emotions from her, and I get my inability to sit still from her. Her and dad have always kept fit from as long as I can remember. It was always a part of our lives, so it seemed natural to me to always be doing something physical to keep myself busy.
Now that the catheter is out, I need to start going to the toilet myself. This is the first time Ive had to do this since the accident. Far out I don’t even want to touch it, it looks so sore. The burnt skin seems to be healing where it is. The doctor today said, “oh yeah we can fix that”. Oh thank god what a relief. “Yeah we will just remove the foreskin”. Whoah hang on there cowboy. Ive had this hood for 31 years and now you want to cut it off!?!?! Here comes the downer mood again. Fk this shit.
Friday 3/11/20
My right leg just wont loosen up. It is so tight and painful. I am trying to bend it as much as I can but it just doesn’t seem to help. Sometimes its easier to just give in and lie here in the bed. Maybe this is just how its going to be now. I am really looking forward to my shower today. Hopefully in the dress-down they can cut away some more surfisoft which may give me some more movement. I feel like that will help. I am pushing myself hard today because I want to be better, I want more movement. I have even started using the bed to bend my legs, pressing the buttons to fold the bed and force my legs to bend. Its definitely easier than bending them myself and I feel like its helping. I have also been trying to get out of bed and sit in this armchair more frequently and get my feet into a good postural position. That doesn’t last long before I need to get back into bed.
Doctors came to check on me after my dressing change. Today was the first day I was afraid of my scarring. I don’t like how my legs look right now and it makes me very anxious and scared. The dress down was a bit painful today and I am feeling very touchy. Again the doctor confirmed I may need to get circumcised as my foreskin is very tight. Its early days but this is something I am dreading. Today is the first day I can recall focusing on my scarring in a negative way.
I feel as time goes on I am getting more and more anxious about my dressing changes. I have come to know the pain that goes with it and now I fear it.
Saturday 4/11/17
Todays dressing change went well. My left leg still scares me. I don’t recognise it. It feels foreign to me.
I had a good session in the gym with the physios. I did some walking on the treadmill, leg press, deadlift, and some shoulder press. All baby weights and the struggle is real. My body is not going to look the same. I am trying to convince myself that that’s ok. I cant wait to get home in the coming weeks and start trying to get my life back on track.
Sunday 5/11/17
I woke up twice last night in pain. I cannot wait to be able to sleep a full comfortable night again. The pain in my legs is still high and my hip is becoming tighter from the scarring. I am trying to sit out of bed more but get back in bed for a break when I need it.
Todays dressing change was by far the sorest. Maybe not by far but it hurt like hell. The surfisoft behind my knee, on my calf, and my ankle is being extremely stubborn so when they peel it off it almost feels like they are peeling my skin off. I was using the gas a lot and pushing through the pain as much as I could. Its nearly all off so I just need to keep going. Hopefully tomorrow we can get it all finished. I felt a bit sick after the dress down as we doubled the pain meds for it today.
Emotional day today. Had a good cry with mum. I just want to rest.
Moday 6/11/17
Some days I feel like Im getting nowhere. I know I have come along way in such a short amount of time, but the pain just lingers. It doesn’t seem to get any better. Now that the surfisoft is off my leg has been bandaged in a way where I have less movement than before. That’s what it feels like anyway. I got very upset before my dressing change today and became so anxious and scared. (This was before I knew what anxiety was, but I can easily identify it looking back now) I usually get it done between 9am and 1030, but they did not start until 12 today. The change in routine has completely thrown me, plus now I am sitting in anticipation of the pain that is to come, for longer. I have asked for diazepam to calm me down.
My lawyer came to visit today. I was so drowsy when he arrived. It was extremely hard to get my brain working to answer some of his questions and give him information. I don’t really feel like I contributed a lot.
They are thinking of sending me home on Wednesday. This has come as a bit of a shock to me. I don’t feel ready to go home. My right leg is too sore, and I can still hardly move it. This room has become my comfort zone with routines I am happy with. I feel safe here. The entire nursing, doctors, and physio staff make me feel calm and comfortable during this experience. Everyone is so nice and caring.
Tuesday 7/11/17
Well its confirmed, I’m going home tomorrow. I don’t feel ready and if I’m honest, I’m scared. I want more movement in my leg, I want my ballbag to be better. I guess if I stay in hospital until I’m comfortable to leave, ill never leave. The Docs have said it’s a trial, so I can come back if I am not feeling great at home. I already know that once I’m home there’s no way I’m coming back. I think they know that aswell.
I am so glad to be alive. This whole situation could have been so much different. I cant imagine a world where I do not get to see my beautiful daughter grow into a beautiful woman. I cant imagine a world where she wouldn’t get to know who I am, or grow up with a dad. Thinking about this makes me angry about this whole thing. This week I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the past, and thinking of the future I might not have had. I love my family so much.
Comentarios